When love exists

Her: "... That should be vicious"

Him:"You have an extremely cute smile. I don't think I'll ever forget that in my lifetime. When you're lying right next to me with you're hair falling on my face and then you just smile. It's not vicious... It's the most beautiful, sexiest thing in the world. No I will never forget the sheer joy I feel when I look at your smiling face."

She sits in her room one year later and thinks to herself Why is it that we feel deprived when love exists?

Notion of You

I have you.
Well, I'd like to think
that I have you.
But that taste of notalgia
still remains on the tip of my tongue.
Am I fool to pretend
that I am walking with you?
No, I'd like to think that you're here.
You see, I am struggling
to be what you want me to be.
I am struggling
to be what they want me to be.
Their voices are loud
in my head.
They scream of infidelities
and they scream of righteousness
while my dreams are caught in the middle
of it all.
I know that I cannot fathom your wrath,
nor can I accept the idea of
following the path they've taken.
It is for this I must march on.
If I am a soldier then I feel blessed
and if I am a sinner then I feel condemned
because their screams won't let
me be.
Their notion of you
is polluted with hyprocrisy
and they disguise their faces
with the writings of your holiness.
But what about the people I know of?
What about their beliefs
and their humble prayers?
In my sleeplessness I beg for their welfare
and in my sleeplessness I reject them.
So tell me, what bad is in the good I feel?
And would I ever sleep?
Yes, I do think of you
and when I I think of you
I forget all else.

23rd October 2010

Untitled

Thoughts;
and to feel what cannot find words.
Feelings;
with no sense of expression,
not even a whisper.
How shall I narrate you my love
when I cannot even impart knowledge
of your existence?
Their timeless notions of life
and everything that cannot be undone.
Their simple days
and everything in between
that I loathed much so
that I’ve become them.
Sailing in vacuum of space
and watching rainbow colours of
what I am in this very moment.
No, I cannot fathom your resentment.
All I have is my fear
whose hand I am yet to grab again
as I have fallen.
And I am waiting to be undone.


17th October 2010

Words

Words;
Learnt and forgotten.
Mono-syllabic gestures
of now and what I am.
The Conundrum of knowing
too little or too much.
Wearing black
and pretending to be light.
Standing in shades
of their idiosyncrasies
and wanting to become them.
Traveling back from being
in a dream
and realizing nothing is worth your while.
Sitting next to your mother
while you love her and hate her at the same time.
Could it be? Tell me, could it be?
Words;
That were never yours,
that were never mine.
Misconceptions of being alive
and the feeling of hating your life
all at the same time.
And every once in a while lifting your head up
to the skies and questioning
'What now? Why this?'

24th September 2010

Untitled

In my train of thoughts
I cannot breathe
so I sit next to you
while all the lovers clap their hands,
shake their heads,
dance sporadically,
laugh uncontrollably,
and watch me with despair
shackled in fragments of my past.
Don't let them engulf me
in a hope to be young again.
Don't let my sleepless nights take over me.
Let's just not travel too fast,
too far away from our homes.
Let's just sit here for a while
until I have relinquished all my thoughts
so I don't weave dreams with my open eyes.
So all my fears are dispelled.
Let me just keep myself where I am right now
And I think... I believe I will be okay.

22nd September 2010

Letting go

I had been thinking your thoughts
and praying your prayers
only to come to a stand still.
Did you not look at our diminished memories
and point out the layers of our differences?
Or was it too painful for you my love?
You used to dwell among the curtains of my hope
and I used to carry ashes of our unreciprocated love
with no thoughts and no prayers of my own to accompany me.
Now it's only the music of recent shameful deeds
and I cannot seem to let go off the mediocracy of it all.
No, I am not dewelling and no I am not drowning
waiting to be punished
because I cannot think of you anymore
and because I am washing my hands with other toughtless acts.
Yes I must go through the storm first to see the clear skies
and let go off what you could not.

23rd August - 19th September 2010

You have her heart and you have mine

You have her heart and you have mine.
I think I disputed you carrying too many hearts
so I packed up my suitcase
and took a big leap but only for a few moments
because I had nothing to make me last much longer.
Now I'm walking in your cemeteries singing my broken songs
while your cities light up with my despair and my prayers
shouting in the head of your wife
"What goes around comes around!"
with no offspring to bear, she holds onto you;
with no offspring to bear I hold onto your memories.
I have only a defeated soul with no heart.
But I do have a bit of bitter sarcasm to spare
still left in me.
That's why I am dreaming of hope; hope to be free.
"We have each other...", They say
"...and not a fucking worry in the world"
And I ask "Where is the freedom in that?"
No, it's only fit for the bastards who cheat on their wives
but you my love, you're just an innocent soul
caught amidst grand plans of your mind
and me, I was only a small fraction of its games.
The ending couldn't have been more perfect.
It's a pity that it's still ending
and yes I hope to be free soon.
I hope.

12th - 16th August 2010

The Falling

“In the name of honor… In the name of honor…”
And so she loses her virginity to a 24 year old.
“Soldiers shall be soldiers…”
She cries, “… and whores shall be whores.”
Can you not tell a difference?
The sky lights up and I see fighter jets falling,
falling from the heavens that don’t forgive,
falling from the chasms that cut so deep
into her soul and out to the fickle realm of lust.
She kneels before the force that she cannot fathom
and questions breathlessly
“What bad is in the good I feel?”
"Again...? You question me again?" He must think!
I think I am addicted to coming back to you
because I know there is no escaping you.
So give me the strength to withstand your wrath
and I shall not wither away like those fighter jets,
perhaps still breathing, perhaps still hoping
and perhaps still falling from the love that never was mine
falling from the things that never were,
falling from the things that could been.
Yes, perhaps she will go on.

5th – 8th August 2010

I remember falling
from notions of your treasons,
on your whore's part,
on your second half's part.

I remember drowning
in oceans of your lust
and gathering myself piece by piece
for another blow.

I remember undressing
to be your whore on weekly basis
and shedding tears soon after
on a prayer rug.

I remember fearing
losing you
while quietly looking into your eyes
and letting my heart scream it out.

I remember bleeding
in every fibre of my body
while you laughed quietly watching me
and left me to die

18th April 2010

Your lovely small hands

I remember your hands
and I remember the times I held onto them
telling you "You have small hands".
I'd like to hold them once more
and tell you that you have very small hands.
Could I?

I remember you twitching your shoulders involuntarily
and me telling you "Never loose that
because it makes you... you and I love that about you".
I'd like to sit in front of you with a smile
while having dinner and just watch you twinge
every now and then without knowing it.
Could I?

I remember running my fingers through
thick tresses of your hair and telling you
how I never liked your short hair and
how slightly longer hair suited you so well.
I'd like to do that once more.
Could I?

I'd like to lie on top of you
while listening to your heart
and marvel at the golden amber shine
of your eyes and tell you how amazing it felt
to look into your eyes and hear the echoes
of your heart at the same time.
Could I?

I'd like to watch you talk excitedly
about something new you've found or discovered
and wait for you to say "My goodness"
so I could laugh with an utmost joy
of simply hearing you say it and then hug you
because it just felt so great.
Could I?

I'm hearing the sirens from up above
and the voice of the man I loved so dearly
who you took away from me and robbed me
off of these simple pleasures
whose memories I'm taking to my grave
and my love, I'm holding onto your lovely small hands.
Still.

12:30 AM 11th April 2010

Our bastard child

With all the hatred
that the entire world harbours
that which somehow...
dear God, somehow has been thurst
inside my weary soul,
in every fibre of my body
as if a rag doll has been stuffed with cotton inside
to make it full of life;
I stumble toward the last heap of mountains
with you my love, with you in my heart
that oozes out vermins of your betrayel
stabbed with daggers of your apathy
fucking me from behind
the way of your father's treacherous deeds
the way he fucked you
whose whores weren't enough for him
whose own wife dug you out of her own womb
a creation... a mockery of her own gods
a crown jewel made for that moment of love-making... fucking
where you and I reached our heights
where you and your other whores had gone
before I came along.
Only to lie in labour alone screaming your beautiful fucking name
... to spurt out a clot of blood
that I named "Our bastard child".
Yes, my love, I'm stumbling toward my last destination
and I am holding onto your lovely small hands.

5th April 2010

The End

The end is near
and I am standing alone to meet you.
I hear the trumpets of your essence
and I hear the screams from my dreams.
Can you not see?
I am dragging the ghosts of my past with me.
Will you not seize my soul now
and let the end be done with?
Yes, I cannot see you.
I cannot feel you.
Yet all I have is you
whose deity is more divine
than what my corrupt mind could comprehend.
I knock on your door and leave
when I don't hear your voice.
Only to return again.
What my fore-fathers envisioned
shall end with me
with no one to carry on my own blood.
So let me stand alone
where I can kneel before you, my soveriegn
in the courts of courts
and when my time is delivered
I shall rip open my chest
and present you my righteous heart
that bears the marks of infidelity.
It shall beat in your hands
and cry out "I have loved
and I have loved truly."
Until then, I shall await thy justice.

04 April 2010

Tunnel of Hope

He listened to what I had to say.
He was reticent.
Then he patiently said "What sad existence he has!"
and added "Are you not glad that it is her and not you?"

I leaned back repeating the same question in my mind.
In my confusion I envisioned the same tunnel
and for the first time I saw light on its other end.

No I thought to myself. The question is
Will I ever reach it?

Asima 24th March 2010

I'm almost there...
and I'm very scared.
Where are you?

I slit my wrists
to see what blood looks like,
to know perhaps greater pain
than what you have given me,
to feel something different
than what I've been feeling for past many months... you.

I felt nothing
but the symphony of your deep breaths
that you take while you're asleep
I saw nothing
but your face with your eyes closed.
I knew nothing
other than what you had given me...
memories.

Perhaps another attempt...
Shall we...?

Asima - 17th March 2010

Alone

I am scared of what future holds
and I am scared to embark on a journey
unto its unforgivable forces
alone...
I am weak and I am scared.
I want him to hold my hand
and fold me within his wings
because I am scared.
And I am alone.
Hold me?

Asima - 15th March 2010

Shades of You

Different shades of you
dull, vibrant and blue.
I'm sitting in your footsteps
lurking away in your past shadows
not quite a figment of your imagination now.
What went wrong my love?
Was it only the fucking that interested you
or was it the notion of your mere indifferences?
I remember the dark skies and the rainy days.
I remember the warmth of the fire that togehter we lit
and I remember your infidelities that burnt in it.
Is she a better fuck than I was,
or is it the notion of mere conjugal appearances
or perhaps both?
I see us and our limbs being torn apart
and amidst all this torture that we must bear
I also see a tunnel of hope
but until it is reached, I must lurk away
in the many shades of you...

Asima 14th March 2010

I am so scared.
Hold me...

Letting Go

Letting go...
The process has started
and I am so scared and alone...

Hold me please,
someone?

I carry your heart...

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
my heart) I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

~ e. e. Cummings ~

Given on 4th July 2009

All the Fucking in the World

Someone once ripped his heart.
Yes, the fucker who had been standing in the shadows;
His father!
"Come forth my whore..." he said
"...because I'd like to rip someone else's heart,
and because I'd like to fuck with others
like you've been fucking with me."

16 years pass and he stands
in front of one of the girls and politely asks
"Baby, I ain't no English patient
but tell me, how does it feel to be in love
and be completely fucked over?"

Asima - 18th February 2010

Fuck you
and your fucking whore.

Yes, I am the whore
and she is your other half.

Untouched Canvases

17th April 2006
He says "Hey you look nice" and smiles.
We meet and then we're done.
Do you know how it felt like
to say goodbye to him after four years?

5th May 2009
I'm fidgeting and tell him what I don't want to.
He is reticent and then he says "Sit with me for a bit sweetheart."
and I do for much longer than he asks for.

2006 - 2009
"You have a beautiful smile" he says.
Me? I'm terrified of him seeing through my heart
so I think to myself What would I do when you're gone?
and then... there is silence.

12th December 2009
He takes my heart and pulls the trigger.
Very nicely done indeed.

22nd January 2010
I move closer to him when he isn't looking
and place my lips on his forehead.
Then I let go.

Now....
I think of you fucking her every day
and when I'm done I vomit out my cries
onto our untouched canvases.
He stops walking, thinks for a few seconds,
shrugs his shoulders and moves on.

Asima - 17th February 2010

L O V E

Today someone asked me "Do you think there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone?" I thought about it and said "No. I don't even know what love is." So he explained to me the difference "Loving someone means that you have feelings for them. Being in love with someone means that you feel loved."

So I thought about it. And I said to myself 'I think loved him because I felt a spectrum of emotions for him that I hadn't before for anyone before.' Emotions. What are emotions? Do they mean anything? Anything at all? Do they even exist? I mean they existed for me. But did they exist for him? Did he love me? So I asked again. What the fuck are these emotions? What are these things that make your skin tingle? What are these fucking feelings that make you want to cry for someone, that make you so addictive to another human being that you lose the ability to imagine the very basic thing without them that life has to offer. Survival. Existence. Ability to breathe and go on. Like life goes on. Feelings. Yes, they are called feelings, emotions, a manifestation of something... whatever the fuck you may call these 'things', these untangible artifacts that are capable of destroying lives. Yet a life cannot simply be without them.

Yes, I loved him. I cared about him. I wanted him. I needed him. He was sunshine. He was colours of rainbow. He was drops of rain. He was snow on the mountains. He was clouds in the sky. He was stars in my universe. He was life. He was love itself. Yes, I loved him. He was everything. Everything that was. And everything that wasn't.

So what was it that he wasn't, that he couldn't be. He wasn't honest. That is all. I was so sure he loved me back. I was loved. I knew I was loved. It wasn't just a belief. It was the 'knowing' of something that existed in my heart. That existed only in my heart. So I started thinking, if he wasn't honest then what was he really? I mean you had to be something in order to be not something else. He was a liar. He was unfaithful. He was disrespectful. He was dishonest. He was lecherous. He was fickle. He was irresponsible of his actions. His actions defied his spoken words. So I left him, when I needed him the most. I left him to prove it to him, that life did infact exist without life itself... without him. That I could exist without him. So did I?

Now that brings me to the next part of the question 'Did I feel loved?' I felt an arrey of sentiments reciprocated towards me from him. What encompassed all of them was the three pivital emotions. I felt happy. I felt safe. I felt complete. But were these all a result of expression of love from him? Or did I mistake myself love with lust? There was need. There was passion. And there was explosion. But were they the different manifestations of love? What was it really that I so rightfully deserved and hence received from him?

He gave me love but there was no heartbeat underneath it. He gave me a sublime feeling of security but there was no shelter encompassing it. He made me happy beyond measure but its foundation stood on crumbling pillers of fidelity. And why this is true? He once held me in his arms and in my psychiatrist's words threw a 'philosophical bullshit' at me "Sometimes in order to keep something in your life, it is better not to acquire it." Why is it that a man's quest for lust never dies? And why is it that to attain that very thing, he falls to the level of inhumanity where mere fornication is the only life's pleasure.

Pleasure. That wasn't all of it for him. I do feel and think to myself that he did have 'feelings'. He was capable of caring for me. He was capable of feeling remorse. I remember the very last time he held me in his arms when I had cried with fear of losing him. He did shed a tear or two. He did hold me the way someone holds something for the very last time. He did worry about me when he couldn't see me. Yes, I do know my love, that you did feel the countless shades of love and care and that was all for me. That perhaps there was a heart inside you that had some space for me. That perhaps, there still is something inside you, a part that belongs to me. But at the end it all came crashing down. Our journey together ended. Because of what you did. At the end it was your actions that spoke louder than your fickle words. At the end it was all about your lies. At the end it was all about what you did and what you did not do.

My psychiatrist called it "A self-fullfilled- prophecy" when I told him about my fear of loosing you one day just like that and that infact subconsciously waiting for it to come, the day when I'd face the parting, when I'd choose to walk away from you.

Yes, I fullfilled my prophecy. Yes, I saw it coming and steered it in the direction I wanted it to go. To the end. But only the end that has been written here. The other world awaits us my love and once we are done here, I shall walk unto the portals of fire, hand in hand with you. Because I love you and I always will.

Happy Valentines day my love.

Asima - 13th Feb - 14th Feb 2010

Descent

It's today that I sit on a ground
and feel the tremors beneath my feet
with a withered rose
that you gave me on my birthday.
You see, I've been climbing a mountain.
I climbed and climbed
just because you asked me to.
You took my hand and I held onto it,
and so began my very descent.
I remember the Waterfall mountains
and I remember the July's cold breeze.
I remember the jazz of your laughter
and I remember the symphony
of our hands clinging together.
Though I shall not hear these melodies again
and though I shall not see the rose that I have
blossom again,
I know I have travelled the light years of love
whose shades shall forever shelter me within.
And you my love, shall one day fall asleep
with me in your heart.
So until then, you must stand beneath the mountain
I've climbed alone
and bid me farewell from afar
because you let me walk away blindfolded
right from our very beginning.

Asima - 10th February 2010